Tips for Ministering to the Elderly: A Satire for Our Time (and then some serious stuff)

A group of young people and young families in my church want to go visit a nursing home Sunday evening to BE the kingdom here and now to a group of people suffering in our own community.

It just so happens my parents are visiting my church for the first time and my Dad had some tips for these young families... that made us all laugh so hard we could not breathe.

So, here is an article by my Dad... his first blog post ever. In fact, before today I am not sure he knew what a blog was! :) Yep, and now he is saying to my Mom, "Honey. She's trying to blog me. Make her stop. It sounds horrible."

I must warn you though, if you are easily offended, stop reading and proceed immediately to the end.

I'm serious. Stop reading now if you are easily offended.

And just in case you think I am kidding... you have one more warning not to be offended. Stop reading and go to the section titled "And Then Some Serious Stuff."

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A Satire for our Time:

I love it when the nice little old lady cries out, “Oh, did I break wind, pastor?” I just respond, “Depends” and I mean the diaper…even if they think I’m just being sweet.

One of my favorite things to do is bring sugar cookies to the diabetics. You leave feeling like you were really able to bring life to the people. There is so much shouting and convulsing you think you were in a Pentecostal church- watching people get a hold of Jesus.

I like to take my teeth out too, just to blend in more with the culture. Before we give all the teeth back… we sing a few verses of “Just As I Am.”

You know that teen game where you have all the young people throw their shoes in the mix… well, we do that with our teeth and we end up looking fairly funny when we end up with the wrong ones. Once I ended up with Ms. Smith’s but fortunately for me she used the neighborhood watch program and engraved her numbers into the teeth making them highly identifiable.

One way you can really get the elderly ready to meet our Lord Jesus is by dressing up as the grim reaper. It works every time. My salvation quota and conversion rate was raised by 20% since I started this technique. My church board was so proud.

I also like to walk into an elderly person’s room when they are sleeping and shout, “WE’RE CRASHING!” You would not believe how fast the elderly can move. This provides all the exercise they need.

Sometimes I like to borrow the oxygen tubes and take a few hits. And that’s all I have to say about that.

At Christmas we sponsor the “Decorate a Bed Pan” program. The creativity is unbelievable. I highly recommend doing this at least once during the holidays. It improves the nursing home moral all around.

And one last thing I do... I like to take the batteries out of their remote just to help them think everyone is deaf.

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And Then Some Serious Stuff

In all seriousness my Dad has many years of experience with ministering to the elderly and people who we treat as undesirable and unwanted. He had some great advice for our young famlies.

Start by introducing yourself and tell them why you are there. For example, "Hi. My name is Billy-Joe-Bob. I'm here from Trinity Church and we are here to visit with you. Is it okay come in and talk for a few minutes?"

He says, the most important thing to do is to listen. The elderly love to tell stories. Encourage them to tell stories. Find what you have in common and talk about those things.

Ask questions or statements like:

1) Tell me about when you were a young child.

2) What is your favorite memory?

3) Did you have children?

4) What traditions did you have?

5) Did you go to church?

6) Tell me about a book you read sometime.

7) What did you do for a living?

Ask open-ended questions to get people talking. Be a friend. Care about people. Look around the room to see what their intrests might be. Maybe they have butterflies or plants. Ask about these things.

When you enter the room, be respectful (don't touch stuff).

Relax. Enjoy your time with them.

If they want to hold your hand, do not be afraid. It is okay.

The most important thing for you to do is work at letting them know they are loved. And expect to build a relationship (perhaps even send them a card on their birthday or come and see them again).

And when you are ready to leave say, "It was so good to spend this time with you and get to know you. Would it be okay if I prayed with you before I leave and ask the Lord's blessing upon you today?"

But he said to be prepared... you will probably be more blessed than they ever will be.